Lost In My Own Body

30 November 2009 @ 09:39 pm

So lately my life is all over the place. There has been no control to anything. My dad decided to marry his evil bitch of a girlfriend who used to abuse me as a child, my boyfriend is extremely needy and clingy, my grades and classes are all too much pressure and work, and to top it off everyday is binge after binge (not to mention I have not been exercising at all). It just feels like everything is spiraling out of control. I am at my highest weight ever!

Well I decided that I need to regain control. It is a new quarter for starts. I am done bingeing and I am starting a fast tomorrow. Only tea, water, and my vitamins. New classes, and I can start fresh, and as for my dad, well lets not even go there. I am done dealing with him for the time being because it is just too much drama to deal with. So I am going to get myself into a routine everyday. I woke up today, went for a morning run, got ready and went to class, came home and have been working on homework. This is my plan everyday. I need a routine to follow because I work better with a consistent system. So tomorrow, I fast and I would really like to till Christmas break, it starts on the 18th or 19th. That is a little over two weeks of fasting. I honestly don't know if I can do it but my main thing is not to binge when my fast is over for however long it lasts. I don't want to get that sick feeling again.

I just want the fat off of my body!!!!!!! I want to be a size one again. I want my hip bones and ribs to stick back out. I want my thighs and upper arms to shrink. Most importantly...I want these nasty ass love handles to go away!!!!!!! There is more to life then this damnation of fat and ugly! I will not stand for it no more!!!! I WILL DO THIS, I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL AND I WILL BE 130 POUNDS BEFORE THE 18TH OF DECEMBER!

xoxo
~lc

Tags: my own personal hell

Current Location: desk

Current Mood:

determined

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10 November 2009 @ 10:01 am

Panic

I have let myself go. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I can't control myself and my urge to binge anymore. I have been basically binging everyday for like two weeks now. It has to stop! I can feel all the fat that is slowly accumulating on my body because of the non-stop eating! I can feel the food churning throughout my digestive tract! GROSS! I am fat, I am ugly, I am a pitiful excuse for a human being. I wake up every morning, thinking that today is going to be different, but its not! I always say its time to get some control, but I never do! Well, I got on the scale last night before going to bed (mind you aunt flo is here) and I weighed 153lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cried, that is my highest weight ever! I never thought that I would see the day where I weighed over 150! FASTING, FASTING, FASTING! I have been fasting since I stepped off the scale, and I don't plan to stop till I hit 140lbs! So, please God, please I need to be thin! I have to be thin! I will someday be thin! It's Tuesday now, my birthday is next Wednesday, I am fasting until then! WISH ME LUCK~I WILL BE THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xoxo
~lc

Current Mood:

sad

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27 October 2009 @ 09:37 pm

Breakthrough Wrap-Up

Ok everyone, I can finally come back and talk without feeling ashamed. So for the last two weeks I have been bingeing and eating complete shit, and not only eating shit but drinking high calorie beverages as well. I have been so stressed with school and boys and drama and I sound like I am in high school all over again, except I am taking control of my life again. I will not let other people have influence over my decisions. I have not been on a scale in 2 weeks, I know the numbers are going to be high up there. I know that if I get on I will not only sink farther into my depression but I will be tempted to cut or do harm. Self-harm for me is easier, I think I subconsciously do it without even knowing.

I am a runner, and I have been before my ED ever started. Well I will push myself and my body past the limits. I will do double workouts during a day and do as many miles and just keep running till I pass out, throw up, or until my legs give out. I have never really thought about this before until today. But I guess that is my version of self harm. I would cut but I am too scared that people would see the scars or something like that. I am not a quick healer.Does anyone else do anything like that?

Onto better news, I was asked out on Friday by a boy that I like. We have been hanging out for about a month (I knew him since last year) and he asked me out this past Friday. it was really sweet and of course I said yes, but I am worried that he will find out about my ED. I honestly like him but I don't plan this thing between us to last. I am so disfunctional that I will end up ruining what I just obtained (my first real relationship, with someone who actually cares). I am so self conscious tho. Everytime we are together, he is like your so pretty and what not, in the back of my head I am like I am fat, I am a whale, don't you see my love handles, don't you see my muffin top? I hate it, of course I would never say that to him but its what I am thinking. Especially yesterday, he picked me up! Trust me I was not expecting this because he is so tiny and I figured that he would not try to pick me up but he is strong and he did. I would of fought with him if I could have seen it coming. Then he is like your so light! And i almost lost it...right there. I wanted to freak out and be like put me down I am not light I am extremely heavy! Then he sat me on his lap and I was like I am probably crushing his legs or my bony ass is hurting him ( I only say I have a bony ass because anyone's lap who I sit in always adjust me and tell me that I do). But he didn't say anything, he was happy. WTF is wrong with this. He seriously probably weighs as much as I do, or less! Ugh, damn you insecurities and self consciousness! Oh well, it is nice to know that he likes me and does care...

In other stories, I have finally gotten control over food again! I was becoming a victim to every temptation! Finally I persevered! I have been fasting since Sunday/Monday early morning. I am rather proud that day 2 of my fast is coming to an end and I am still strong, and I am still not eating. Hello ketosis tomorrow...that is so messed up but starving myself is satisfying. I also went for a run today, only about 25minutes but non-the-less it was a run and it was negative calories so I cannot complain about that.
Maybe I will be able to face the scale on Friday...
Hope all is well for everyone!

xoxo
~lc

Tags: conversation, fasting

Current Location: bed

Current Mood:

accomplished

Current Music: my annoying roommates arguing

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27 October 2009 @ 12:59 pm

Finally A Breakthrough!

Ok, so I have been on like this downward spiral lately, at least that is what it feels like. It feels like I have no control over anything, especially food! Well I decided that I need to get my shit together because there is so much that I want to do and I cannot and will not become a victim to the scale. Well I honestly have not weighed myself in 2 weeks- I know how sad. But, I know that the numbers are going to be so high so refuse to weigh myself plus the fact that I have been bingeing and "eating normal" the last 2 weeks is horrific. Well I finally managed to fast!!!! I fasted all day yesterday and I have been going strong today as well. I feel great because I have finally broke that cycle that I have been so depressed about. I feel like my depression has lifted because I am happy about fasting. I am sure the feeling will disappear but for now I am enjoying it. Just wanted to give an update, I will be on later to tell the rest of my story...out for a run!

xoxo
~lc

Tags: conversation

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14 October 2009 @ 03:49 pm

Poem

Ok this has been the first time in a long time that I have wrote poetry so please don't laugh at this but let me know what you think.

Pure darkness,
Blur the line,
Sometimes I am lost in the complexity of my mind.
Tears of joy, tears of pain,
I want the numbness to come back and make it's claim.
Claim my soul for as you see,
I am condemned to death,
It's not optional for me.
I chose this path for what it's worth,
Happiness is just a build up for the heart wrenching jerk.
The jerk that turns your world around,
Everything is clear, crystal sounds.
So I turn off all feeling and shut down,
Let the darkness consume me for the lines have been found.

It's rough and dark but I just wrote it really quick not wanting to forget it.
xoxo
~lc

Tags: my own personal hell, poetry

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11 October 2009 @ 09:16 pm

New Page

Tomorrow is Monday and the start of a new week and a new page for I cannot go on living my life like this anymore. I need to be strong and I cannot binge anymore because the constant food is making me sick to my stomach. I ate my last dinner tonight and I don't plan on eating anything other than my vitamins for as long as I can. I am starting to train for my half-marathon tomorrow. I go home in about a month and I refuse to go home as 148lbs (how much I weighed in on Friday). My family and friends cannot see me this heavy! It is appalling so I am going to use every tiny bit of self control I have an work my ass off until I am at least 128 lbs. That is my goal weight for around November 18th. I really need to focus and try because the failure is weighing me down and causing a dramatic loss of hope. I need my hope and I need to believe that I can be thin...I must be thin. I cannot go on living as this healthy heavy person. Do you know what it feels like to look in the mirror each day and want to throw up from self disgust...I do and that is how I feel everyday. Every time a person calls me skinny or says I am in shape, it takes everything inside me not to scream at them and be like "Hello!!! Don't you see my love handles, the giggle in my thighs, the fact that my legs touch when I stand" I hate my imperfections!!!!! I must be the girl that I know I can be...I must be thin and in shape, no fat! I would trade anything to lose this weight!!! I am sick of being so heavy! I cannot live like this one way or another I will be thin!!!!!!!!!!!! So wish me luck because I will need all the support I can get because my goal is to fast until the end of October, no more games, the end is coming near and I am determined to lose all the weight I can.
Doing measurements tonight, too ashamed to post the numbers...

xoxo
~lc

Tags: my own personal hell

Current Location: NY

Current Mood:

depressed

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05 October 2009 @ 10:14 pm

Regroup

I have been so busy and I feel so alone. I know that I should turn to all of you as my support when I binge but I have been essentially binging from last Tuesday till Sunday. They are not huge binges but none-the-less, it is food that is sitting in my digestive track and I feel so huge!!!! From Tuesday to Friday I gained like three pounds. I hate the feeling of food in my body...it is repulsive, so why do I do it? I honestly could not even tell you, I could not even give a reason as to why I was putting food in my mouth but I could not stop. I feel like such a failure and I would rather dwell in my failure than turn to you all for support, I just feel like such a let down and I can't face all my disappointment. I fasted all day today, and also did a run and pilates. I felt better after working out and not eating at all! It was rather satisfying compared to my last week. I really plan on fasting till Friday or maybe Sunday. I hope my will power is strong enough and I can continue to run and workout and manage to maintain my body without it becoming weak. I have been taking two doses of my vitamins, in addition to taking Vitamin C supplements because I need an immune boost. I really don't have enough time to continue you on, just wanted to say I am regrouping and gaining control again!

xoxo
~lc

Tags: fasting, my own personal hell, pro ana

Current Location: bedroom

Current Mood:

tired

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27 September 2009 @ 09:35 pm

Sorry

I am sorry that I am fat,
I am sorry that I have love handles and a huge stomach,
I am sorry that I can't control every aspect of my life,
I am sorry that I am a failure,
I am sorry that some of my dreams died,
I am sorry that I don't workout everyday,
I am sorry that I ever ate a single morsel of food,
I am sorry that depression sometimes consume my body and makes me want to curl up and disappear,
I am sorry that I am not perfect,
I am sorry that I am ugly,
I am sorry that I ever talked to you,
I am sorry that I can't make up my mind,
I am sorry that I ever hurt you,
I am sorry that I am a disappointment,
I am sorry that I have never fallen in love,
I am sorry that this disease consumes my thoughts,
I am sorry that I really consider cutting and purging on a regular basis,
I am sorry that I must lie to keep everything a secret,
I am sorry that I can't show anyone the real person inside of me,
I am sorry that I don't love myself,
And for that I can love no one else,
I am sorry that solitude is my only companion,
I am sorry that I came into your life,
I am sorry that I only bring destruction and shame with me,
I am sorry that a dark cloud dwells above my head,
I am sorry that I have to act and pretend to be happy everyday,
I am sorry this "show" wears down my mentality,
I am sorry that I lack a body worthy of your compliments,
I am soooooo very sorry for everything,
I am just plain out...
SORRY...

xoxo
~lc

Tags: my own personal hell

Current Location: failure avenue

Current Mood:

gloomy

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25 September 2009 @ 03:35 pm

Everything!

Holy SHIT!!!! I weighed myself this morning and I weighed in at 143.4 lbs. That is almost a 6 lbs drop!! I am so excited about this drop! It is not where I want to be yet but it is a working progress towards a happier thinner me. I have not been on in a couple of days because of a bunch of different reasons. Warning!! Rant to come!

One: My friends think I have a problem with food...we all do don't we?... well anyways I have been forced to eat like almost everyday this week. So the plan is fasting and not eating for as long as I can get away with and then eat when I am forced and have too. I know that is rather pathetic but I cant eat everyday! I mean I absolutely hate the feeling of food in the my stomach and passing through my intestines. It is so gross ugh I absolutely love the feeling of the empty hollowness of fasting. The only bad thing about friends forcing me to eat is the fact that they all cook pasta and never salads! Damn no low calorie foods that they feed me. Ugh whatever!

Two: My apartment is seriously freaking out. Like something is wrong with our bathroom because the toilet is making everything smell like complete shit! It is absolutely gross and maintenance has yet to come and take a look at it even though we have been complaining about it for weeks. So I don't know what we are going to do about it. When I got home today maintenance finally came and they were just like we cant do anything about it till Monday! WTF I have to deal with these fumes for that long...are you for real!?!

Three: School has been swamping me! It is only week three, well actually week three has just come to a close, and I am swamped with work. Like my life is consumed by how crazy hard my schedule is. Sophomore year is so much more harder than freshman year! I think it is also in part to the fact that I desperately want to make dean's list! I really worry that if I don't make dean's list that I won't get the summer internship that I want this summer in Alaska. It is soooo far away and would be my complete dream way to spend my summer!

Four: BOY DRAMA and MY FEARS!! Ok, so there was a guy from last year and he lived on my floor and was really cute and I liked him but I don't like opening up to people because I am afraid I will get hurt. I am afraid that I won't live up to any expectations that he has set up for me. Well anyways he liked me but I would not let myself get close to him. So we went our own ways over the summer and we didn't talk at all. Then I come back up to school and all of a sudden we start talking and all those old feelings start to come back. For both me and him...but I feel like I don't deserve him. I feel like I don't deserve happiness and that I deserve the misery that I feel. The other night when we were talking, he said it was my choice as to where are our friendship went. Now I don't know what to do!!! I feel like my brain is static and my thoughts are all tainted with pessimism. Like I can't think of a reason as to why I don't like him but I can think of reasons as to why we can't be together. Example-MY ED! He has no clue...did I mention he was extremely skinny and probably weighs like the exact same as me! FML! Ah why must boys do this too me?? So I am absolutely confused and need time to sort everything out.

I am just extremely stressed out and really worried about everything. I feel like I have so much to decide and do and that the world is going to crash if I don't. I am just glad that i have all you guys to understand and help me through all my dark moments.

Think Thin!
xoxo
~lc

Tags: chaos, pro ana

Current Mood:

stressed

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21 September 2009 @ 10:53 pm

Swamped!

Wow! I have not been on in a couple days, I have been so busy and have not had much time to do anything! School and work have pretty much been consuming my life. My classes each require so much work and so much time. Well Sunday night I binged! It is not something I am proud of and honestly I don't even know why I did. I was not hungry but I think it was my fears coming out. Fear of being alone, fear of not being successful, fear of rejection, fear of failing, these things all escaped from the sealed box inside my head. I did regain myself and resealed the box of fears in my head. I really am not strong enough to deal with that now, there is just too much going on.

I don't even have time to be extremely upset over my binge. There never seems to be enough time in the day to fit in everything I would like too! I have fasted all day today and recently started to take Vitamin C supplements in addition to my multivitamin. Plus, I also decided that I need to get back on track with my running and training. I ran today as well at least 3-4 miles I am thinking...at a decent pace too because I was dry heaving at the end. I don't even want to think about getting on the scale at the end of the week but hopefully with how busy I am, I won't have time to eat...I will just avoid food and stay focused! I need all my attention on classes and bingeing is not going to help that at all. Well I would love to chat more but I need to get some sleep.

xoxo
~lc

Tags: fasting

Current Mood:

exhausted

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19 September 2009 @ 12:39 am

Fast 1

Well today was not as bad as I had originally planned! Aunt Flo is still here but I ended up fasting all day long...which I am rather proud of considering I was experiencing cravings for a breakfast burrito all day!!! My stomach was also super loud because my roommate keep going, "Did you eat today, it sounds like you haven't in days." Whatever! Ha I am fasting until this weight comes off...which it will! I did a lot of drinking of tea and water and just keeping the fluids in my system. I need to go to the store eventually and get some new vitamins. Not exactly sure what kind I am going to get but I will browse around and check out all my options for the best ones!

Today was the average day for me I went to class and came back to my apartment and basically did homework all night! My roommate is making a big scrapbook for her and her boyfriends' 1 year anniversary and I helped her with it. I am not going to lie tho it really sucked seeing how truly happy she is and seeing how alone I am. They really are in love and I felt a bit of jealousy towards the relationship that they share. I just hope that someday I will be luck enough to find the one for me and that I too will be blessed with experiencing that form of happiness.

Well it is almost one in the morning here and I have to go to work around 10ish. So I suppose I ought to hit the hay and attempt to catch a few ZZZZZZ's. Oh, I weighed in this week for the weekly weigh in...149lbs. That is a gain of like 5lbs basically!!! WOW talk about a slap across the face! So fast on until this weight is gone...or at least till the end of September...that is only like 13 total days of fasting! I have never ever fasted that long before but I am mentally strong and I honestly believe that I should be able to handle it. I hope I can because this cycle of going up needs to come to a stop. I know my effort will be rewarded so stay strong and beautiful everyone!

xoxo
~lc

Tags: fasting

Current Mood:

sleepy

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16 September 2009 @ 11:29 pm

Aunt Flo

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Damn you Aunt Flo. My freakin period decided to pay a visit today and now I am totally freaked out to get on the scale. I mean I know I am going to be like 160 lbs because I am going to be fat and super heavy!!!! Ugh why could I not skip your evil monthly visit. I cannot wait till you are no more. OH, not to mention I totally gave into cravings tonight and binged!!! I tried so hard but I couldn't I just wanted junk food really bad! I am such an epic failure. So I am taking it upon myself to fast until the end of September! Yes the end of September. I figured that if I can get to 140lbs by the end of this month then I should be able to make 130 by October. I really need the strength to come from within me and kick some fasting ass!

THIN IS WHAT I CRAVE!
xoxo
~lc

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14 September 2009 @ 10:57 pm

New Day

Today was a mixture of good and bad. I did fast all day long and I was very happy with that, I plan to continue my fast into tomorrow and the rest of the week. I have been keeping busy and even have a to-do list that keeps me to busy to even think about eating.

I had class today from 8 to 12 and then had to work from 12 to 2. Which would of been fine except I only went to bed at three and had to get up at six to get ready. My body did not respond well to only three hours of sleep because around 2:30 I got a really bad migraine, a fever, and was light headed. So I took some medicine and slept off and on till about seven o'clock. That did the trick, I woke up and felt much better! My body was actually ready to function haha which was a good thing because I have a pre-lab due in organic chemistry tomorrow and I just finished it. I also think I might have been potentially dehydrated from fasting all day because I drank hardly anything so when I finally got up, I drank some Sobe, tea, and I recently got the chicken flavored cubes of stock, they are only 5 calories and I placed one in hot water and it tastes just like chicken broth without all the calories. So needless to say I am doing much better after I got some more sleep and got some fluids in my system!

My fast has been going well today and I feel rather strong, unfortunately I did not get in any exercise today but hopefully tomorrow, weather permitting, I can go for a run/walk. I could use the fresh air and I think its really relaxing. Then I should be back and hitting the books. FAST ON! I definately wont give into the temptation of food because I need some control in my life and this seems to be about the only thing I can really control. I was however a little shaky today so I might have to take a glucose tablet or two to get some sugar in my veins but we will see how stable I am tomorrow. Well I hope everyone is staying strong and I send my best thoughts on being skinny and sexy to everyone!!!

xoxo
~lc

Tags: fasting

Current Location: bed

Current Mood:

okay

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13 September 2009 @ 11:45 pm

Absolutely Horrible

Today was absolutely horrible!!!!! It started off fine, I woke up on time and got right to work on my studies and was fasting as well! I was extremely positive and then all of a sudden like a brick wall I was stopped. I got to project based calculus 3 homework and my professor is absolutely horrible and I started to stress and panic and like a huge weight everything that I have been stressing about bared down on me! I thought about cutting but no then I binged!!!!! And after my binge I wanted to purge but I resisted because that would make me feel worse than I already do! I feel like I am hiding a secret from the world from everyone except all of you! I am done trying to hide...no more food! I feel so bad for eating today it is the worst guilt trip...damn my binge!!!!!

I vow to not eat the rest of the week...just my vitamins and meds each day!!!!!!!! I cannot be this weak and I was on such a good track and then today just blew it. I will weigh in on Friday and be like 150 lbs. The horror. I will fast and hopefully I did not gain a ton from my binge. I am fasting till I pass out I cant take the fat anymore. If I weigh in on Friday and I am not in the 130s I will b/p or end up cutting. I cant take this fat on my body anymore. I never want to look in a mirror again. I am wearing sweat pants everyday and being a bum! I dont care what I look like it will hide all the fat and ugliness that is consuming my body. I mine as well walk around with a paper bag over my face...it would be better to look at then my chubby checks and multiple chins. Fuck!!! Why did I binge I was not even hungry, just weak and full of fears and now I am full of more regret. And this week is going to be absolutely horrible I am dreading it a ton! I have a ton of homework and studying to do and i just cant keep up and it is only the second week of classes! I am so stressed but I will not let food control me. I am going to fast till at least next week I am not going to binge! UGGGHHHHHH

THIN THIN THIN
xoxo
~lc

Current Mood:

crushed

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12 September 2009 @ 11:49 pm

Something Different

Ok well today was the average non exciting day. This morning I went and taught swimming lessons like I intended too and I even got to swim laps for like 30-45 minutes! HOORAY! Go exercise! Then I came back to the apartment and cleaned up and have basically been relaxing and studying all day. A pretty boring day but to change it up and decided that in addition to my fasting, I am going to take diet pills. I have a couple brands that I have been researching to find the right one for me but I have narrowed it down to four kinds...Nuphedragon, 7-DFBX, Lida, Stimerex-ES. So after I make my selection I will be ordering one of these and hopefully it will help me shed more weight! As for tomorrow...I plan on studying studying studying and fasting of course! Well good night all the lovelies out there!

xoxo
~lc

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11 September 2009 @ 09:59 pm

Disappointed But Not Defeated

Ugh stupid roommates causing me problems again. I have been fasting for basically the last week. This morning I man-upped and got on the scale before I did anything else. Well the scale was relatively high for what I was hoping for, I weighed 144.8lbs. Not terrible but not anywhere near where I want to be. I am sick of being in the healthy weight range!

Well after that morning weigh in I originally planned on fasting all day; however, when I got home my roommate and her bf and his best friend dragged me out to dinner and said that it was not optional. So I had to go and had to eat and I feel so gross right now as food is churning in my digestive track yuck!!!!! so aside from eating today I plan on returning to my fast tomorrow. I have to go lifeguard tomorrow morning till the early afternoon and I plan on swimming some laps while I am there. HOPEFULLY! Depending on how many kids have to teach. I also plan on going for a walk and/or run tomorrow as well as doing some of my homework! By next friday my weight WILL be in the 130s. Who knows maybe I will fast till then. Fasting doesnt really bother me anymore like it used to. I find it easier than I remember and I no longer find myself tempted to binge...talk about wierd! ha oh well mine as well enjoy it while it lasts. Ok, I have to go get some shut eye.

FASTING AWAY THE FAT!!!
xoxo
~lc

Current Mood:

blah

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10 September 2009 @ 09:37 pm

The Scale Scares Me

Ok so I am totally scared to death to get on the scale! There is not a scale in my house back at home with my rents and I have not been on one since before I left over summer vacation. I am back up at school and in my apartment and I am absolutely terrified to get onto my scale...It is like looking at me and taunting my fear of it! I know I am a little paranoid right now but seriously I dont want to get on it because I know the numbers are going to be sooooo very high but I know that the suspense I am feeling is just as bad! Ahhhhh, what should I do???

I think maybe I will get on the scale tomorrow morning if I can "man-up" for the weekly weigh in (ed 18). I dont know if I can do it tho. Guess we will find out, in other news...I successfully fasted all day, which was a challenge because I did not have class today and I was at my apartment all day long with a kitchen stuffed packed with food!!! But I did not give in I drank like 10 cups of tea today and I am totally inlove with the new Sobe Lifewater flavors...the zero calorie ones of course! I drank 2 bottles of them today as well. It was not such a bad day...I didnt really workout at all today just keeping busy with loads of homework that I have! UGH! Its only my first week back to school and I will be having my second test already tomorrow! They are definately trying to kill me hahah. Oh well hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

I am looking forward to tomorrow night tho, me and my best friend are going to the movies to see Bandslam. Has anyone seen it? Any reviews? Please dont laugh at what I say next but the real reason I want to see it is because I want to see the preview of New Moon. I heard that it is only available in the movies and I am a huge Twilight Saga junkie...It is one of my secret obsessions! Well anyways it will be good to get out of the house at night because I am more tempted to binge at night usually around 7-9 is my temptation time zone hahah. I still have some minor homework left to complete and then I am getting to bed and trying to work up the nerve by tomorrow morning to step on the scale. I know the numbers are going to kill me! I am probably around 140-150lbs!!!!!!!!!!! Definately depressing to think about compared to the 132lbs I was before summer vacation. I really hope that it is not extremely high.

Ok best of luck to all you lovely ladies and gents out there. I am thinking about how beautiful you all are!!!!
Think Thin...Stay Strong...Defeat the Scale
Hopefully ;)

xoxo
~lc

Tags: conversation, fasting

Current Location: desk

Current Mood:

accomplished

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08 September 2009 @ 09:11 pm

Fears Rant

I feel like such a failure, I mean when I look in the mirror I see pure disappointment and I dont know what to do about it. I feel gross, fat, disgusting, and ulgy. I don't understand why I am being punished to by being fat! There are many forms of torture in the world and fat is the one god gave to me! I feel so down.

It is also hard with roommates too. I have four of them and to my luck...they are two couples! UGH! Another reason to add to my low self esteem. I just have not been feeling good about myself ever since I came back to school. I would rather live by myself but mom doesn't think that is safe! So now I am stuck in this house of love and all alone. The one girl is one of my best friends but she is always questioning my eating habits and it sucks. I am constantly lying. This morning I tried to lie to myself to wear jeans and a tank top to class...HA! yeah right I can't walk out of the apartment in something tight! Tight clothes=every imperfection magnified!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont know how to boost my mood. Something has to change! I mean I can't even weigh myself here. The bathroom and kitchen are the only rooms that you can put a scale down and get an accurate reading and I cant even do that because I feel like I am being judged by the people I live with. I mean none of them have problems with eating. Only me, half the time the apartment is filled with the aroma of the food they are cooking. That used to be a trigger for me but now I find it rather repulsive. The thought of food churning in my digestive system is dispicable. I just really wish that my body would change.

I just want to feel beautiful and be loved. I want that one love who excepts me for me, problems and all. I am scared to death that I am going to end up alone. I am afraid that I will never find the love of my life and I will end up in a sad solitude the rest of my life. Things I fear in my life are rollercoaster and never finding love. Everything good that comes into my life disappears or I push it away. First guy I ever really liked had a girlfriend but we became so close and talked everyday and then after we both left for school at the end of summer, he texted me saying how he wanted to kiss me but was too scared to make the first move. That killed me because I kept telling myself that there was nothing there other than friendship and then he tells me that wat I was feeling was real! That was like a slap across the face! Then the second guy I meet lived on my floor last year and he accepted me and liked me but I was too scared to get close to him and I basically convinced myself that he was going to hurt me and by then it was too late.

I dont know if I am really suppose to be alone or what is really my plan in life. Something more has to be out there, I just feel numb everywhere tho. A numb sensation that takes over my body. Maybe if I was thinner I would find love, I would like to think so. But until then, I really feel hopeless and numb.
Lost in a daze...
xoxo
~lc

Current Location: room

Current Mood:

scared

Current Music: Secondhand Serenade

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07 September 2009 @ 07:15 pm

Dead Tired!

Today was such a busy day and I am ready for rest already and it is only quarter after seven at night! I woke up this morning and got ready for class today and I recently dyed my hair dark so when all my friends saw me it was one of those jaw dropping moments and I heard a bunch of "woah"s and "wow"s. Kinda like my own little self esteem boost. It also takes the attention away from my beached whale body!

I fasted all day and when I was done with class I hit up the gym to do some lifting. I am not trying to get big muscles or anything but I am trying to tone up my arms, legs, butt, and core. After that I went home and then I went for a run...I was hoping to get in like six or seven miles but the heat and my lack of motivation over the summer kicked my ass and I only ran 3 to 4 miles instead. I am rather disappointed in myself honestly. I did however notice that when I fast I don't drink enough fluids so I am trying to drink at least 3 bottles of water a day. I know that is sad but I rarely find myself thirsty so I am basically forcing myself to drink water.

My total calories consumed today between vitamins and flavor drink pouches is about 35 calories in my body today. I can accept that, I mean I really don't have a choice. I plan on continuing my fast into tomorrow and also doing a time trial type of workout. I am just going to finish getting everything cleaned up and then I am hitting the hay, probably around 8. I am just exhausted and it has been a relatively long day and I could use a good nights sleep so till tomorrow...think thin!

xoxo
~lc

Tags: fasting, pro ana

Current Location: desk

Current Mood:

tired

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05 September 2009 @ 08:18 pm

Freedom

I am finally free!!! School starts again this week and I get to go back to my apartment where I can starve in peace where I can grow thin in peace and where my mom cant shove food down my throat! YESSS!!! I am finally free! My rents are coming up tomorrow and I will have to eat something when we go out to eat but then a fast is on until further notice. I am sick of being watched everytime I move or workout or don't eat. My mom doesn't know but I think she is on to it because she always asks when did I eat and what did I have and I just lie. I feel bad but the feeling of food in my digestive track is far worse!

I am so glad to be back with all of you lovely ladies and gents! I have missed you all oh so much! Glad to finally be around people who I can actually relate to and for the most part people who dont judge me! Thank you all! Life is going to get so much better now that I am away from home!

XOXO
~lc

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